Recently I’ve started going out again and meeting new people, which is tons of fun, something that I’d forgotten for the past… 3 years, I think. I was chatting online with this girl I sort of fancy that I’d met in a club and she asked me at some point, while discussing relationships, what I want and what I can do. If I were to be a betting man I’d wager that I was pretty quick on my feet and told her that what I want is to be able to someday make that one fantasy I have about a couple’s life come true. For me it’s waking up early and going to get the newspapers, because I’m old school like that, – and I don’t like laptops, they are a spawn of Evil and should all be boiled in battery oil - while she makes coffee that we would both drink while reading aforementioned papers before going to work. And to her latter question I answered that there’s probably nothing I that I couldn’t do in order to make that happen, short of loosing myself again.
Quite good answers, if I do say so myself, on the one hand they convey a peaceful image of something that’s really good, one of the daily routines that’s tried and true, hinting at emotional stability and on the other hand I’m the immovable object that would, however, go out of his way for what I think is worth it. Quite good answers indeed, especially since they’re both true. They did, however, subsequently raise another couple o’ questions and I’m very glad she didn’t ask it because she would have stumped me. Who am I and what is it that I don’t want to let go of?
If I was to ask who I am 4 years ago today, I would have said that I’m a fighter. I was kicking metaphorical ass and taking names both in school and in my personal life, going out with a girl against the obvious odds and despite a host of co-workers that also would have loved to be in my shoes because of her. Life was good but it was also very harsh, looking back it really took a lot to keep going every day, battering heads with co-workers and wits with colleagues.
The same questions asked 3 years ago today would have received a different answer: a lover. I was in a steady relationship for almost half a year and things couldn’t have gone better between of us. I was actually being spontaneous, something that I’ve never been good at, and wanted to spend all my time with her.
2 years ago, today, same question, would have had me answer: a shaman. World of Warcraft, go figure. I was at the top of my game, applying to one of the best guilds in the world and being accepted as a trial after proving my mettle and producing an alternative performance boost for my class all on my own. I really was that shaman, I had a shaman blog that now lays in waste where I was sharing my experiences and had several ‘How to’ guides posted.
A year ago, today, I was going through one of the worst slumps of my life work-wise, gaming-wise and with my relationship at the time so I would have probably answered: a looser. Funny that when things come to pass you mostly remember the good parts and just a smidge of ‘not so great’. I have little to no memories from that time, things not going so good, it’s almost like I was in a dissociative coma for months that I emerged from relatively unscathed.
Who am I today? It’s a really good question. You only get clarity and can effectively and quite possibly impartially judge your own actions only after everything has passed. I do know what I’m not, though: a shaman or a loser. Those parts of my life have come and gone, I’m richer by them having been there but are not something I would want to or will try again. I’d like to be a lover and a fighter at the same time but it’s not all up to me. I still have to find that one person I can trust enough to be able to imagine myself getting the papers for and, why not, even have it come true.
